last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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