if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
