Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
