If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
