I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
