is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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