my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
