my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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