My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
