I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
