I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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