I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
