they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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