i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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