My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Two words: nipple clamps
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