Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
