Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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