I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
