Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
