Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize