his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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