If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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