when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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