The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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