I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
