I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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