I think I died a long time ago.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
