And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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