Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We have started to decorate penises.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize