walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Someone came in the potted fern
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
