My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
