i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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