i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
