I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
whose parrot is this?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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