I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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