I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
