You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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