My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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