I faked an abortion last night.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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