I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
