I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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