Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so let's talk penis.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
