I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
