She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
