My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We had sex on a dog bed..
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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