You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
