We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
