Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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