Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Randomize
