where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
