WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
