did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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