Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
