Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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