nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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