I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
