Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just had sex on a roof
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
