Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
