if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize