I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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