dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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