I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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