after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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