So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
