my mouth tastes like poor choices
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize